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“Go get me the paper stretcher.” - My Dad, getting rid of me at age 15
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My friend Jeff and I were heading out for burgers when he pulled the top of his boxers out of his pants and said, "You know how long I've had…
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"Housesitter" ran on TBS this past weekend (written in mid-July). I kept the sound off while I tried to write about different things. I read through the paper where it…
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Everyone remembers their first date. It's a special experience that you never forget. Like your first real kiss. Or your first car. Or your first computer.
My first date…
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Moose Tracks is one of the most popular ice cream flavors around. Created by Denali Flavors , it first came on the market in the mid-90s and has…
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My normal breakfast consists of scarfing down a Pop Tart on my way to the office in the morning. Usually because I'm too lazy to fix something healthy to eat.
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It disgusts me. The litter I see on the side of the road. Potato chip bags, aluminum cans, candy wrappers. You name it, Americans throw it out their car windows…
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This past week, I took a vacation to Asheville. I don't live there yet but I've planned on moving there after the New Year. So I figured that I should…
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Yesterday, someone asked me how my day was. I took a few seconds and then told them, "Pretty good, got a lot done. Yep, it was a pretty good day." …
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Blame it on the Producer.Back in the spring of 1989 when Milli Vanilli released their smash Album, Girl You Know It's True, a friend of mine introduced them to me. …
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I want to know something. Who invented the bathroom exhaust fan? I'll tell you, a genius, that's who. A veritable God among men. Whoever it was may have inadvertently saved…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Sunday, 13 April 2008 17:00 |
 Who the hell's he talking to?
This post is about those stupid hearing tests we all took in elementary school. Remember them?
You put those stethoscope-looking things over your ears while some schmuck behind a glass wall pushed buttons on a machine you couldn't see. You were supposed to raise your hand when you heard a sound.
It was usually a high-pitched tone.
This is a good measure of my hearing?
Maybe he should have whispered "You want a Twinkie?" into my headphones. That would've gotten my attention. Or "You've just failed Math" or "Jenny Thompson wants to blow you."
Okay, the last one would've only worked in high school. In elementary school, I would've probably just replied with a "huh?" and they would've failed me on that level of hearing.
 Barney is dead, kid.
I would be a child prodigy, immediately recruited by the CIA for dangerous spy missions that only someone with my unique talents could accomplish. I would infiltrate an enemy country, listen for secrets our super-spy satellites couldn't pick up, then return to save the day. Have I mentioned I loved The Six Million Dollar Man ?
Meanwhile, I can just hear my mom's reaction. "Super-hearing? My son? You must be mistaken, he can't even hear me when I tell him to clean the bathroom."
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