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“You're projecting.” - Wife Number Two, the Counselor
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Cute and Cuddly Gismo. Wus.When I was younger, much younger, the movie " Gremlins " was released. I was twelve when we went to see it in the theatre…
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One for every mood.All men eventually experience that first time in the condom aisle. Be it in the local drug store or the 7-11 down the street, we've all had…
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I was eating chicken with a friend the other day, just shooting the breeze and enjoying a nice leisurely meal. He's not necessarily an odd guy, grooms himself decently enough,…
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I bought some music online the other day from an outfit named " CD Baby ." They specialize in selling independent music of all genres and…
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I was born in America. I was raised in America. I possess a distinctly American belief system. Therefore I'm a Native American by all sense of the term, right? Then…
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I did it. Despite the advice of a trusted movie friend, I watched the musical, Across The Universe. This was a leap for me, you see, because other than Grease,…
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It's as simple as that. This article could end right now and you'd all know what I meant without me having to go into it. But where's the fun in…
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The Fading LPThe world is constantly evolving. It is inevitable; all that is now, will be no more. Traditions are but man's futile attempts to preserve a way of life. …
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This past week, I took a vacation to Asheville. I don't live there yet but I've planned on moving there after the New Year. So I figured that I should…
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Yeah, you heard me right: Dre not as good as Cube. I overheard this the other day out in public. I don't know about you but I didn't need to…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Sunday, 20 July 2008 19:00 |
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 Men can be defined in more ways than having a penis. We like our sports, whether we're playing them or watching them. We fart in our sleep even if we swear up and down that we don't. And we love to give directions.
Men will even compete over who has the best directions. There are two categories for this: The Shortest Route and The Quickest Route. They aren't always the same.
The Shortest Route is the one with the best trip odometer reading. Trip odometers were created by men, for men, just so we could settle arguments over how far it is to some place. Any place. A tenth of a mile only makes a difference to a man with a beer bet on the line.
The Quickest Route is the one that takes the least amount of time. This includes stop lights, left turns into traffic and wide open 35 mph zones.
The Shortest Route can never be argued. Ten and a half miles is ten and a half miles, no matter what you do differently. Cutting through a parking lot and hugging corners doesn't change much.
But the Quickest Route can always be disputed.
Driving 180 miles to the beach in the middle of the night makes a difference over leaving during the day. At night, some stop lights in small towns turn into caution lights. There's usually so little traffic on the road it's negligible. And there's less stopping (for the woman's bathroom breaks) because nothing's open.
And you can speed.
What time of day you drive can alter "time distances" so much that a 180-mile country road route through ten small towns can be quicker than a 200-mile straight-there highway stretch.
But regardless of whichever argument a man sides with on any given trip, men like to be right about their directions. We must be right.
And we need to be praised on our directional capabilities by our women and the society we live in. Because above all else, besides his penis, a man is defined by how he gets there from here.
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