Old Clothing Roulette

Ross All I'm saying is, if you walk around with a wife-beater and no bra, you're inviting people to stare at your nips.

“You are one funny dude.”

- S. Milton, some guy I know

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Old Clothing Roulette

Written by Ross Cavins

Monday, 27 August 2007 02:40

I've got an idea for a game show, and only in America, the land of the TV zombies, could this work. I call it "Old Clothing Roulette."

Contestants would bring clothes to the studio from all years of their adult life, along with their high school yearbook photos. Based on those photos and know the other contestant's current age, they would place blind bets on whether or not clothes from certain years would still fit. The close to today's time, the less the odds on winning. The older the clothes, the more you could win.

Bellbottoms from Hell.

Not only would we see people trying to wear clothes that were way too small, but we'd also get to see what styles they associated with. The accounting dork who used to wear bellbottoms and butterfly collars. The fashion diva who wore parachute pants and Wham "Choose Life" t-shirts. The soccer mom who sported Goth black leather and chains.

If the contestant can get their clothes on, they win the money bet. Otherwise, the other contestant wins. Each player starts the game with the same amount of money and play continues in a stock market fashion. They can bet as little or as much as they want on the odds they wish.

And here's the kicker, the contestants have to change right there on the stage.

Okay, upon further review, this idea totally sucks. It's in bad taste and utterly stupid, and it really wouldn't be that entertaining. I'd maybe watch it once, just for the shock value, then I'd be happy for a rerun of The Addam's Family. I mean, besides the fun of watching a fat guy trying to squeeze into some thirty year old pants that are six inches too small. Or maybe some woman with Double-D's pushing the limits of a twenty year old blouse, straining the buttons till they're ready to pop. What else would there be?

Sadly, based on the above formula (bad taste, utterly stupid, not entertaining), this is the type of show that would be a hit in America.

So please, let's forget the whole thing. Let's chalk it up to the late-night delusions of a wannabe writer who couldn't fit into an old pair of khakis. I know I'd gained a little weight but I love those pants.

And they weren't alone. I had a pair of jeans I tried on that I could wear if I never ate again. Of course, I'd need to grow my hair long and stringy, apply some eye shadow, rip up a few t-shirts and learn to play the electric guitar. But I could wear them.

You know, if I lost just 10-15 pounds, I'd have a whole new wardrobe and I could forget playing Old Clothing Roulette. I could just put on clothes like a normal person.

But where would the fun be in that?

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