What is the definition of a fruit? Dictionary.com defines it as “the edible part of a plant developed from a flower, with any accessory tissues.”
But I disagree.
Fruit: Any manner of food that is eventually made into an artificial flavor used in Kool-Aid, Jolly Ranchers or Jello.
That covers all the good ones in my opinion: apple, orange, strawberry, banana, cherry, black cherry, raspberry, watermelon, lemon, lime, blackberry, blueberry, peach, cranberry, grape, grapefruit, mulberry, plum, coconut, pineapple, papaya, guava, kiwi, mango, pumpkin … etc.
By this reasoning, there are some so-called fruits that don’t make the cut: tomatoes, cantaloupe, honeydew and pears.
There is a whole giant argument on whether or not tomatoes should be considered fruits. They have the nickname of “love fruit” and technically, by the legal definition, they are fruits. But not by my definition.
Cantaloupes and honeydew melons would make great Jello or Jolly Ranchers and I don’t know they haven’t been done yet. They should. I’ll look into that.
But pears? Nobody wants to buy Pear-flavored Kool-Aid. Or Pear Jolly Ranchers. Or Pear Jello. Jelly Bellies don’t even have a pear flavor and they’ve got some funky stuff going on. Jones Soda and Doctor Browns won’t even touch pears and they’ve got some pretty nasty stuff: mashed potatoes and butter, green bean casserole, turkey and gravy, celery (Cel-Ray ), rhubarb, kumquat, etc.
Pears are the un-fruit. They have pissed me off. Know why?
For the last few weeks, I searched the net for a plush cherry fruit. A toy stuffed cherry. That’s all I wanted. With ebay and all kinds of sites out there, it doesn’t seem that tough, does it?
It is.
With all my searches, I finally found a set of small plush fruits sold to nutritionists for help in teaching children. They were a set of six: apple, banana, orange, strawberry, grape … and pear.
They had a pear, but no cherry! I needed an effing cherry and would’ve bought the entire set just for the cherry but no … they had a pear.
The un-fruit.
The one major fruit that nobody likes enough to emulate with candy or drink.
People eat cherries in every shape, form and fashion possible. Bubble gum, cola, Jello, Jolly Ranchers, Kool-Aid, straight juice, wine (Three Dog Night: Sweet Cherry Wine), Cheerwine , pies, scratch-n-smell stickers, candles.
You get the idea. People love to eat, drink and smell cherries. Not pears.
Stupid pears. The Un-Fruit of the civilized world.
Damn it, somebody find me a little fuzzy, plush, stuffed cherry before I go bananas.